Hannah in Honduras
by DPLast Updated: 08/23/2006 |
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How I got to know a girl living abroad and why it all went wrong
Like many, my journey into online dating began when I was in a vulnerable position. Things hadn't worked out the way I had hoped for in the real world, and I needed somewhere to turn. There would be no school this fall to ease my heartbreak from the summer - so I swallowed a bit of pride and jumped into the world of online dating.
After about a week or two I finally talked to a girl I really liked. I'll call her Hannah, mostly because it makes a good title for this story.
It seemed like we worked on the same level right away. "I think you're my soul mate," she opened with. "Really? That must be quite a feeling to have met your soul mate today. What's it like?" I asked. She replied, "not bad, it's actually a pretty cool feeling."
And just like that, it was on.
I had a lot in common with Hannah, and she was irresistably fearless and confident. She looked beautiful in her pictures and when she showed me herself on her webcam. We had one or two good conversations like this and I wanted to meet her as soon as possible. But for some reason she resisted.
Hannah had mentioned she had roots in a nearby town, so I feared she was hiding the fact that she lived a few hours away. I was completely shocked, of course, when she dropped it on me that she was instead living in Central America. Honduras, to be exact - a long, long ways away from my native Canada.
She was as apologetic as could be. She "wouldn't blame me if I never talked to her again," and on and on. I thought about shutting her off, but I was intregued, and she was the first girl I had met through the dating website that I actually liked. After a day or two of mulling over it I continued talking to her. Why not?
Hannah explained to me that she had run off to Honduras after a fight with her X, and didn't know how long she would be there working for her Dad. She knew she would be back in Canada some day, and figured there was no harm in us getting to know eachother. She didn't want to interfere with my life, she claimed, and said I should go on dating other girls and just see where we wound up. Of course she wasn't interested in doing any of that herself. She only wanted something "real" (for lack of a better word), and was saving herself for someone she really cared about.
So, just like that I was in a long-distance relationship with a girl I had never met. I had already found out that being with someone under these conditions is bad enough under "normal" circumstances. Obviously I would have never put myself in this situation on purpose, but that's how it worked out, so I just went with it.
It was good in some ways. When something went wrong with another girl, Hannah was always there. Honduras was, afterall, in the same timezone that I was living in at the time. I began to get used to having her in my life and I could tell it was the same for her. At one point we even talked about meeting in Las Vegas - about half way between where we both were - but that fell through.
As comforting as it was to have Hannah in my life, it was equally frusterating. How, I asked her, am I supposed to find anyone I want when I know there is perfectly good match waiting for me out there? I had only started online dating to ease the pain I had felt in the summer. I wanted something more than dates with girls I didn't care about and only getting to talk to the one I did.
After about a month and a half we began to drift apart. I was getting better and more comfortable with online dating and I just didn't have as much time to sit down and talk to some girl who might or might not be coming back to town. I pretty much got over my summer heartache and tried to treat Hannah like just another person on my MSN list. We stopped webcam converstations and talking on the phone.
Eventually though, about four months after we first talked, Hannah was coming home.
Things hadn't seemed to have changed as much for the girl in Honduras. She gave me a nice long email announcing when she would arrive and made it clear that she hoped I was still single. Unfortunately, I was. This was during the Christmas holiday's and let's just say presents was about the only thing I was gettin'.
Naturally I started to think about it, and the next thing I knew I was counting down the days until Hannah's plane landed (her constant messages reminding me helped this of course). If nothing else I knew had felt something for her at one point, so I should try to get that feeling back - afterall, it was a good feeling.
But before I was back into that mode our first problem had already emerged - she could sense that had drifted over the months and hadn't been thinking about her as much as she had me. She didn't, or didn't want to believe that our increasingly sparse communication had meant what it did. She was clearly bothered by this. So much for wanting me to go on with my life.
I later found out that her X (the one she had run away from) had also given her the "I'm sorry, I would do anything for you" speech at around the same time. I guess she had a lot of emotions running through her head. She was going to be in town for four weeks and she clearly wanted to figure a few things out while she was around.
Nevertheless, only one day after she had arrived we finally met. This was definitely one of the strangest first encounters with a person I had ever had. I tried to treat it like any first date. Well, not exactly, but I wasn't about to make out like we were long lost friends, either.
Hannah, on the other hand, clearly had certain expections of me. She laughed when we first kissed, and constantly made the ever-akward "I can't believe we're together" comment - and not so much in a passionate, swept-off-her-feet kind of way. She clearly had put a lot of thought into me, and this made me pretty uncomfortable.
Still, we went with it. We saw eachother almost daily for about three weeks and tried to make it work. We had our moments at first, but something was clearly not there. I don't think either of us really felt anything but the obligation to fulfill everything we talked about. And we did talk about a lot of things.
The the shortness of Hannah's visit and the fact that her X was obviously still apart of her life didn't help. When she planned a bit of a party and told me I shouldn't come because his friends were going to be there and she didn't want anyone to get hurt, things started to go downhill.
It didn't end well. With only a week left in her visit, and clearly neither of us were getting what we wanted, we abruptly cut ties. One small fight and neither of us picked up the phone to try to mend fences. It was probably for the best, but there is still a bit of bitterness on both sides about the whole thing. I'm mostly just embarassed I let it happen.
The point (if this is one) is that in a long distance relationship expecations and emotions change - they change over time and they change when you relocate from one place to another. A long distance relationship is something you should avoid at all costs; something you only save for someone you know you care about. To start out in one (or to not be aware that you are in one) will almost always be tragic. You never know how things will be until you actually spend some time together in person.
One of the pitfalls of online dating is that it makes giving into this tempation that much easier. It makes the situation appear a lot less harmless than it really is. And it's pretty common. I am not the only one I know who has a story similar to this.
Hannah in Honduras - or wherever you are these days - I hope you learned your lesson, too. |
